Good Ninja, Bad Ninja
by JenJenJen13
Summary: Their combined ninjitsu caught the prisoner, but when it comes time to interrogate the trespassing son-of-a-BEEP, Kunoichi and Nene are a bit torn as to how to go about doing this.


Seeing as they're the only female ninja in the game (the fact that both of the female ninja in SW/WO2 are idiots should say something), Nene and Kunoichi interaction is usually pure gold, especially when they're bickering. And throw Ling Tong in the mix (which, duh, is what I do) and bam, you have this.

-

"…what is the matter with you!?" scolded the yellow-clad kunoichi, hands on her hips, "that's terrible! Not to mention an impractical use of your daggers!"

"Whaaaaaaat," whined the pink-clad kunoichi, "man, how'd you even _pass _ninjitsu school, lady? You're boring!"

"I am not!" squawked Nene, the yellow-clad ninja—"you're just a brat!"

"Been there, done that, got the t-shirt," said Kunoichi, bored, flicking at a piece of dirt under her fingernail. She shrugged and crouched down in front of their 'captive'—"so if I can't give you a lobotomy with my daggers what _do_ we do with ya?"

"Let me go?" begged Ling Tong, "c'mon, if word gets back to the guys back home I got captured by two girls they'll never let me hear the end of it!"

"Two _girls_!?" demanded Nene, "don't you talk to me like I'm a child, young man!"

"You're right," said Ling Tong, settling his gaze on Nene's boobs, "silly me~"

Nene followed his line of vision—"you're terrible!" she scolded.

"Hey, I call 'em as I see 'em," said Ling Tong indifferently—"now let me go already! Either let me go or have your wicked way with me like you obviously intend to, and beat it!"

"We're gonna ask you a few _questions_," said Kunoichi, scowling, "like, for example—what were you doing wandering around in ninja territory!?"

"I don't even know! I was _lost_! You guys don't want people on your turf, put up a sign!" Ling Tong complained.

"That would ruin the whole _secret_ part of the ninja territory, dear," said Nene, frowning.

"Yeah, but you wouldn't have people barging in on your land! I walk up—'oh, look, a sign that says 'ninja territory'! I'll find some other way!'—easy as that!" Ling Tong scowled (about all he could do, with his arms and legs tied up).

Kunoichi stretched her arms over her head. "Yeah, whatever—hey, Nene, can we torture this loser for information already?"

Ling Tong eeped. Nene shook her head, bandana ends flapping around.

"Absolutely not!" she said firmly, "we'll use the ancient ninjitsu interrogation procedure!"

"Which is?" Kunoichi asked, while Ling Tong eeped some more.

"'Good Ninja, Bad Ninja'!" said Nene cheerfully.

"Oh, yeah, I've heard of that!" said Kunoichi, grinning, "so, uh, what are you?"

"Huh?" Nene asked.

"I'm the good ninja, obvs, you're the _bad_ ninja? Those marital problems with monkey man aren't affecting your ninjitsu, are they?" Kunoichi asked.

Nene scowled. "You're the bad ninja! As in, badly _behaved_!"

"Then again, you _are_ getting kinda old, aren't you pushing thirty?" Kunoichi continued, tapping her chin.

Nene scowled even more—"GOOD NINJA, CHILDISH IMMATURE NINJA!"

"See, that's such an old person thing to say!"

"WOULD YOU LET ME GO ALREADY!?" Ling Tong howled, looking miserable.

"No!" Nene said, rearing on him, "naughty children deserve to be punished!"

"But I didn't do anything!" Ling Tong whined.

"That's what they all say," said Kunoichi, shaking her head.

"We'll let you go if you help us settle who's the better ninja!" Nene decided, folding her arms over her chest.

"Are you guys gonna fight or something?" Ling Tong asked wide-eyed, "or—" He had to shake the mental images of hot ninja chick vs hot ninja chick action out of his head.

"Eww, I can tell what this perv's thinking," Kunoichi complained, "if you knew how old I was, you wouldn't be thinking that!"

"Fine," sighed Ling Tong, "all right, better ninja—which one of you tackled me, and which one of you punched me in my spleen?"

"Punching in the spleen is a registered trademark of mine!" said Kunoichi cheerfully.

"Okay then, yellow's better. Now lemme go!"

Nene smiled, all pleased, and made a face at Kunoichi.

"Age before beauty, I guess," said Kunoichi, shaking her head, "you just have no taste in ninjas, dude!"

"AGE BEFORE BEAUTY!?" squawked Nene, looking furious again, "how _dare_ you talk to me like that, you little brat!"

"Yelling at me's only going to make you more wrinkly!" said Kunoichi defensively, "wow, you sure _are_ grouchy, is your husband not giving you any, or anything?"

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS," Ling Tong howled, but Nene ignored him to glare at Kunoichi some more.

"My marital problems with my husband are none of your concern!" said Nene firmly, "and your comments aren't helping dispel the rumors any!"

"Rumors like what?" asked Kunoichi, "I haven't heard any rumors… other than Hideyoshi's got more courtesans than all the other regional lords _combined_ and you've been bangin' Toshiie Maeda?"

"Okay the first one isn't a rumor, it's very much the truth, but—I HAVE NOT!" Nene squawked, flustered, "where do you _hear_ such preposterous things!?"

"Well the proof is in the pudding, lady," said Kunoichi, "and besides, why _wouldn't_ you be!? You've got a stud like Toshiie Maeda hanging around and you're loyal to _Hideyoshi_?" she asked, making a face—"and I thought my priorities were messed up!"

"What's that supposed to mean!?" demanded Nene, "Hideyoshi is my _husband_!"

"Not to demean the sanctity of marriage or whatever but wake up and smell the coffee, lady, he cheats on you left and right!" said Kunoichi, "and what better way to get back at him than to bang Toshiie?" She grinned.

Nene looked aghast—then thoughtful—then 3—then aghast, again. "I could never!" she said, shaking her head firmly, "never never _never_! I love Hideyoshi!"

"This is all well and good, really," said Ling Tong, sighing, "but can you please LET ME GO already!? I did what you wanted me to do! And unless you two ladies are itchin' for some Ling Tong action, I'd really like to get to my _own_ camp before it gets dark out!"

"Eww," said Kunoichi, making a face, "dude you're not my type _at all_, stop grossing me out!"

"I've heard that before," Ling Tong said mournfully.

Nene stopped, suddenly, holding up a hand for silence—"I hear—I hear someone approaching!"

"Daggers at the ready?" Kunoichi suggested, bouncing from foot to foot in anticipation.

"No, I don't think it's—" Nene sniffed the air suddenly—"MITSUNARI! Where are you Mitsunari come over here _right now_ it's not safe for you to be out there alone!"

"Mitsu-who?" asked Kunoichi, looking at Ling Tong. Ling Tong shrugged, mostly just hoping this Mitsunari character wasn't someone coming to give the prisoner a good ass-kicking.

"Lady Nene, I've been given the honor of looking for you," sighed Mitsunari Ishida, his expression firmly 'FML' as he came into the clearing, joining the ninjas and Ling Tong.

"MITSUNARI!" squawked Nene, turning, "what are you doing out here by yourself!? You could get _hurt_, Mitsunari! I told you never to leave the camp without a guard!"

"I'm twenty-three years old, Lady Nene, I don't need a guard and I certainly don't have to take your orders!" complained Mitsunari, glaring at giggling Kunoichi.

Kunoichi _was_ giggling until she realized the girl Nene was scolding was really a hot dude. "Why _hello_ there," she said, smirking and making her way over to Mitsunari.

"Hel_lo,_" said Mitsunari, noting Nene's eye twitch, and smirking back, "and who might _you_ be?"

"Kunoichi, savior of the innocent and butt-kicker of the bad guys~" said Kunoichi, posing appropriately, "and who might you be, oh studly ginger-haired one?"

Nene looked between Kunoichi and Mitsunari with horror—"Mitsunari!" she said, sounding panicked, "she's—she's not a good girl for you, dear!"

"I disagree, she seems plenty my type," said Mitsunari, looking Kunoichi up and down.

"Ditto for me!" said Kunoichi cheerfully, "where's _your_ tent set up, handsome?"

"Right back in the camp," Mitsunari answered, grinning, "I'm going to head back up to camp, Lady Nene…"

"Not without a guard!" said Nene warningly.

Mitsunari looked at Kunoichi. "I can't possibly be safer if I'm accompanied by a _ninja_," he said pointedly, "c'mon, Kunoichi~"

"Wheeeeee!" said Kunoichi, running off after him, "last one to your tent makes Nene scream~"

"Oh he's going through that rebellious stage! That's it! He doesn't really like her!" Nene wailed, pacing, "oh, Nene, where did you go _wrong_, you raise them to love you and be a good boy and then as soon as some girl pops up on their radar, you're just a random woman pretending to be their mother!" She shook her head, hugging herself.

"Well, looks like it's just you and me," said Ling Tong, "I can think of a couple ways for you to, uh, forget about those _problems _you're muttering to yourself about…"

Nene, as much of the Dynasty Warriors fandom does, had already forgotten Ling Tong existed. She looked around in the direction Mitsunichi had taken off in, and finally—

"MITSUNARI I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU, DARLING!" she wailed, and ran off after them.

Ling Tong blinked a few times. "Umm—hello? Hello? _HELLO_!?"

Shit. And now he was _alone_.

-

Ling Tong, why are you so much fun to fuck with? XD I love this guy, I really do, but he makes the jokes too easy.

Warriors Orochi is such a fun universe to play with; any ideas for new one-shots? Throw 'em at me! :)


End file.
